What Experts Say on – Handling Self-Doubt In Parenthood

DEFINING SELF DOUBT

Sonali Gupta defines it as ‘a nagging feeling that you have not done enough, have been too harsh or lenient, or not responsible enough in caring for your child’. This feeling often gives rise to fear that your actions are negatively impacting your child. A little degree of self-doubt is welcomed into parent-child equations as it will motivate a parent to always strive to be a good mom or dad. But if this has surpassed the normal threshold and if it is interfering with your relationship with your kid then it may be time for you to address this as a serious problem and to devise ways to deal with it.

REBUILDING CONFIDENCE IN PARENTING

When you are experiencing crippling self-doubt that is ebbing away from your confidence in parenting, Sonali suggests the following ways to tackle it:

• IDENTIFY YOUR SELF-DOUBT TRIGGERS

When you have an allergy to something, you assess the allergens that trigger its onset and then make an effort to steer clear of them or treat the allergy. The same applies here. Identify your self-doubting patterns and where they’re taking shape from. If it is due to old childhood trauma or a shabby relationship with your parents, try resolving these issues first. Appoint a therapist who can adjunct you with dealing with these concerns. Social media can be another trigger. The portrayal of perfectionism on social platforms can leave you doubting your own capabilities. When you see your friends or colleagues posting pictures of their children with trophies, enjoying Sunday meals together, or even kissing them on the cheek, you start comparing. You need to eliminate this trigger and not let anyone’s virtual display of life affect yours.

• EXAMINE YOUR STANDARD

It’s important that you keep realistic standards in mind. Now if you’re disappointed because you can’t lay out a 7-course dinner on a Sunday for your ward like that mother did in some XYZ movie, that’s simply foolish. This obsession with perfectionism will hamper your existing parenting skills. Sonali mentions, “Confident parenting isn’t perfect parenting”. You too are new at taking on this role and you will learn how to nurture a child as you go along. No need to fret over having and doing everything in a specific manner.

• BROADEN YOUR IDENTITY

If you surround your entire identity with being a parent, you’re automatically signing up for disappointment. Nurture other aspects of your personality; be it a hobby, your career, or your friendships. Your child is only one of your plants. Don’t excessively water one plant while completely disregarding the others. It’ll result in all of them wilting away. People who define their identity and self-worth on their role as parents are more likely to suffer from ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’. It’s when you face an identity crisis once your child gains autonomy and doesn’t depend on you anymore. You need to have other roles you can derive validation and confidence from.

• SEEK SUPPORT

There’s no shame in admitting that you may need some assistance in sorting your issues out. Whether it’s going to a therapist or just signing up for support groups, don’t shy away from working on yourself. There’s some relief to be had from communicating with other parents facing similar troubles and helping one another. Eventually, it’s you and your child who are going to benefit.

• USE THE SELF-DOUBT CONSTRUCTIVELY

Self-doubt can serve as a way of constructive self-criticism when it comes to parenting, but only if you can maneuver it deftly. It will serve to benefit you if you assess and analyze your doubt and put in efforts to work and eventually eliminate it. You are welcome to blame yourself but what becomes of that blame? Put the right amount of energy where it’s needed to eradicate it and uplift yourself.   You now have an idea on how to not let your self-doubt get the best of you. If it is hindering your parenting capabilities; it’s time that you actively start working on yourself. Sonali has very adroitly highlighted how to deal with it. If it continues to be a dark cloud on the horizon, don’t shy away from bringing some extra helping hands on board.

CORRESPONDENT: SAKINA SABIR